The Onion - "Justify Your Existence" - 07/15/2003

Dan · Post by **Dan** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:00 pm

New in this week's Onion:

The Onion: Why should anyone buy your record?

John Roderick (vocals/guitars/keyboards): [submitted via e-mail] Well, it's a useful record, and it does things many other records can't claim to do. It has danceable numbers, sure: songs that you can do the dishes to and sing along with while only half understanding or remembering the words. And it has songs that are good for long open-country drives where you want a song to sort of buff up the wide-open scenery, as well as the twisty, zippy drives that you want some drivey, zippy music for. Then, later, when you're neither driving nor doing the dishes and are instead sitting around wondering why people are so terrible to each other—and, specifically, why they're so terrible to you—you can listen to the words, and there's something in there about that.

O: Do you think your record will help people?

JR: You bet. That's why most people make stuff, right? I mean, even crackpots who make bombs out of matchsticks and boogers think that they're doing it to help people. The only exceptions are the kind of people who make get-rich-quick infomercials that they know are of no help to anyone, but those people are thieves. Our record should be very helpful to you if you are struggling with being happy in a world gone mad, and you need a little help, in musical form, to remind yourself that bitterness is not wisdom.

O: Do you think your record could save lives?

JR: Now you're being flip. Well, I'll take the bait. It is conceivable that there could be a scenario where someone could listen to our record and, either because they feel like someone else in the world knows just what they're feeling or because they get the booty-in-their-butt so bad from the music, that they put down the bottle of pills or miss the turn on the way to blowing up the lunchroom at their former employers. So our record could be credited with saving many, many lives.

O: Is this record your ticket to heaven?

JR: Well, one of us is Jewish, and they don't have a heaven. Another of us is Norwegian, so he's going someplace on a burning boat that's full of sword-fighting and Wagner music. The third one is some kind of lapsed Episcopalian, which generally means that his heaven should be four gin martinis and an early tee-time, but in this one's case I would say that his heaven is in the basement of some Parisian art-cinema covered with a dirty blanket. And my heaven, well... I'm living my heaven. Every. Damn. Day.
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Post by **Merlin** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:28 pm

Thanks, Dan.

Damien_82 · Post by **Damien_82** » Wed Jul 16, 2003 8:06 am

Thanks a bundle. Very funny. I know the part about sitting around, wondering why people are so terrible to one another. I do it probably more than is healthy. I can't even watch tv anymore because of it. As for doing the dishes, I avoid it at all cost. It is in my opinion the worst chore.

omphale · Post by **omphale** » Wed Jul 16, 2003 9:13 am

Leave it to John to combine silliness and sincerity in such an articulate fashion, while skillfully deflecting the jaded bullets of The Onion people.

Has John ever given a BAD interview??

Somebody post that!

Unremarkable · Post by **Unremarkable** » Wed Jul 16, 2003 10:31 pm

That certainly was a great article, thanks for posting it Dan!

Karousme · Post by **Karousme** » Thu Jul 17, 2003 7:33 am

Matchsticks and boogers. Nuff said.

Forrest · Post by **Forrest** » Thu Jul 17, 2003 4:29 pm

Has John ever given a bad interview?

Funny you should mention it:

http://www.halftimemag.com/long_winters.htm

Although, in all fairness: John's contribution is fine. The article's critical flaw lies in the complete ineptitude of the interviewer.

It's also worth noting that the interviewer accepts no responsibility for the introductory paragraph. Or, so I've heard.

Moni · Post by **Moni** » Fri Jul 18, 2003 5:58 am

Ooooh thanks for posting that!

Dan wrote:JR: Well, one of us is Jewish, and they don't have a heaven. Another of us is Norwegian, so he's going someplace on a burning boat that's full of sword-fighting and Wagner music. The third one is some kind of lapsed Episcopalian, which generally means that his heaven should be four gin martinis and an early tee-time, but in this one's case I would say that his heaven is in the basement of some Parisian art-cinema covered with a dirty blanket. And my heaven, well... I'm living my heaven. Every. Damn. Day.

The Scandinavians surely have the most entertaining Gods, I can tell you that. I'm just not very keen on that whole Valhalla thing. Very machismo.

omphale · Post by **omphale** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 9:38 pm

Yeah, the only part of that interview that was actually bad was the intro. The rest of it is maybe not as witty as we might have come to expect from the fabulous J.R., but still pretty interesting and insightful.

Moni · Post by **Moni** » Sun Jul 20, 2003 12:40 pm

I found it not so bad either - John's U2 comment alone made it worth reading

Forrest · Post by **Forrest** » Mon Jul 21, 2003 9:36 am

Yeah, it's actually not a bad interview. I thought that if was going to plug something that I wrote, I should try to be as self-deprecating as possible. In hindsight, it seems a little unnecessary, but then I think I was drunk when I posted it.

And, for the record, I did not write that awful introductory paragraph.

The Long Winters

The Onion - "Justify Your Existence" - 07/15/2003

The Onion - "Justify Your Existence" - 07/15/2003

Re: The Onion - "Justify Your Existence" - 07/15/2