Guy Needs Help Understanding Women: Film At 11

LoveSickJerk · Post by **LoveSickJerk** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 12:24 pm

Ok. Turn down the rock and turn up the soap opera:
I need someone to accompany me to a friend's wedding. I also need to know who it is by the 16th of this month (Saturday). Said friend is not really close, we work together and hang out once in a while. So.

I asked simply by listing the benefits: open bar, free food, dancing. All of which was made clear, and all of which was spelled out during the asking. I ask the girl I have been seeing recently, if she'd like to come along.
She takes about a day to think about it, and replies with "I don't feel comfortable with going". What the hell?

I wrote her back ('cause she emailed me), and said it was cool, and apologized for any uncomfortable situations, and quickly reemphasized how seriously I took this wedding (which is not much, it is merely a coworker, not even considerable as a close friend).
Ladies (and maybe even gentlemen), please, help me understand where I went wrong (if I even did), and if I've screwed up.

chelsea · Post by **chelsea** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 12:29 pm

how long have you been seeing her?

LoveSickJerk · Post by **LoveSickJerk** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 12:48 pm

We've known each other for a few months, but we've been on only 3 dates.

Post by **grant** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:04 pm

1. Some people don't like going to weddings. The rituals can seem forced, and the music and food is quite often atrocious.

1a. You also generally have to dress nicely, which to lesser humans can seem an uncomfortable imposition.

2. Going to a wedding as a date is also a bit of a "serious relationship" signifier. This should not matter to someone who understands that, at its heart, the wedding is a *feast* moreso than a *ritual* ( or even, for the theologically inclinced, than a *sacrament*), but we live in semantically dangerous times, and wrong impressions flourish like foul weeds in the public consciousness.

So it could be that she thinks you're asking her to marry you. Or it could be that she simply has nothing to wear. Or it could be that she simply dislikes the prospect of spending an interminable evening swilling Andre, eating fried broccoli nuggets, listening to a painfully loud DJ harangue guests into dancing the "electric slide" in a rented conference hall.

Ladies and gentlemen, when you marry, please -- remember it is a feast, not a series of empty, traditional gestures.

Post by **Liesbeth** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:53 pm

can I be completely culturally ignorant here, and ask why it is necessary to have a date for someone else's wedding party? Is that a tradition in the US?
I've been to more wedding parties as a single than in a relationship, and I just went as the friend or colleague of the couple that I was, without need for a date.

Anyway, Grant's No.2 would have been my thought as well. Depends a bit on how your previous dates went, but going to a happening like a wedding party of someone you don't know, with someone you haven't been seeing might seem a bit daunting...[/i]

Karousme · Post by **Karousme** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 2:22 pm

Dude, I'd almost rather go to a wedding single... for the following reasons:

1. Bridesmaids
2. Non-bridesmaid women

Squid · Post by **Squid** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 2:32 pm

LSJ, I totally feel your pain. I'm newly single and the hassle of grabbing one of my guy friends to be my date to my sister's wedding has been excruciating.

[And no, I can't show up without a date coz I am the MAID OF HONOR y'all... and I need to not have my immediate and distant family making "maid of the old variety" type pun jokes. Because I am frankly feeling a little delicate and I will probably poke out someone's eye with a crudite-type item if that happens.]

So, LSJ, I'm in *kind* of the same place, coz I'm just lookin' for a pal who isn't going to get the wrong idea, but who will still be close enough to me that I can relax and have a good time and worry about whether i bustled my sister's gown correctly for the photos. I don't think you really did anything wrong at all. Grant-o makes a good point though, some people see weddings as significant events, and thus, being invited as a date makes the occasion a Significant Date.

But if you're like me, you just want the free champagne! Oh, the humanity.

LoveSickJerk · Post by **LoveSickJerk** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 8:23 pm

Squid wrote: But if you're like me, you just want the free champagne! Oh, the humanity.

Thanks for everyone's help! Grant, you bring up some great points, and no I don't need to bring anyone to a wedding really. But I know no one but the groom. NO ONE, so I think it might be helpful to be comfortable in the situation. Since it is a friends wedding, I'm not exactly a member of the wedding party like you squid, but I do really want that champagne, and that's the only reason I'm still going.

heathalouise · Post by **heathalouise** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 8:49 pm

Do you have any female friends who would be willing to be "date for a day"? That might be good if you do only know the groom.

I am currently in the process of the whole, "Oh, I'm sorry you can't bring a date, as we are filled to capacity" part of the process with my friends who are single and know a ton of people who will be at my nuptials. Wedding planning sucks. As if many of you didn't know...

Post by **John** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 12:32 am

Just to chime in here... it might be a case of "Methinks thou doth protest too much". It sounds like you went to great lengths to explain all the ways that it wasn't a "date", except you were asking a gal that you clearly have just started dating. She said no and you took it as a rejection, complete with hurt feelings.

Soo... it wasn't really a "casual" invitation at all, was it? I mean, you were trying to "keep it casual", but that's not the same.

I'm speaking as someone who's done the very thing. "Oh, hey, what's up? Oh nothing, just calling to see what's up... good, good, yeah well, ha, ha, it's funny because, this is weird but, uh, I've got this friend, except he's not really a friend exactly but I went to college with him, and, uh, he's, uh, gettingmarriedthisweekend, and, ha, ha, I'm just going by myself anyway and, you know, I don't even really know them, but there's a free bar and stuff, and, I don't know, it'll be really funny, really, like, just ridiculous and stuff, and, doyouwanttogonostringsattached?"

It ends up sounding even way less casual than it actually is, because of all the stuttering and nervous laughter. Better to say, "Hey, I got to go to a wedding. Wanna go?", and then explain all that other crap in the car.

zach · Post by **zach** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 1:25 am

John wrote:Better to say, "Hey, I got to go to a wedding. Wanna go?", and then explain all that other crap in the car.

Agreed. Absolutely. But it sounds like the cards have been dealt.

I've had to work on those very things myself, though not in the context of a wedding. I think it's not too uncommon a situation. Meh. It'll be all good.

Fi · Post by Fi » Wed Apr 13, 2005 2:07 am

Yeah just keep the conversations focused on other stuff, like the bride & groom, & the folks you chat to, you don't have to explain yourself or feel like you're "dateless". You're just a wedding guest who is there for his friend and to enjoy company of whoever you chat to. now don't I sound like somebody's mother. alternatively get drunk, dance on the tables and be thankful nobody you know is there to pay you out later.

have fun.

Jeroen · Post by **Jeroen** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 5:18 am

Can I ask everybody a question?

I went to this wedding yesterday and they had a reception and not a party. I always said that the only reason I would marry was because of the party... you know, the band, the drunk uncle and of course inappropriate behaviour of a aunt.

So, why do people get married, if it is not for the party? Isn´t love enough or is a piece of paper that important? Do people enjoy getting divorced?

LoveSickJerk · Post by **LoveSickJerk** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 6:14 am

It sounds like you went to great lengths to explain all the ways that it wasn't a "date", except you were asking a gal that you clearly have just started dating. She said no and you took it as a rejection, complete with hurt feelings.

I can see that completely (though admitting to myself I was just reacting to hurt feelings took a little while to do...). In this case (since it is not the first time I've been in this situation, and certainly will not be the last) that's what I wanted to avoid. I thought I got it off pretty well, I'm almost sure I gave it to her straight. *le sigh*

Nonetheless, thanks to everyone for their help, and for listening to me bitch about something, well, generally unimportant.

I have resolved to go it alone, and I'm looking forward to it. Free champagne and all.

aj · Post by aj » Wed Apr 13, 2005 6:41 am

this is why I hate dating. there's so much interpretation going on that there is never any honesty, even when there is...blech.

Jeroen wrote: So, why do people get married, if it is not for the party? Isn´t love enough or is a piece of paper that important?

two words: tax break

No You Are · Post by **No You Are** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 6:43 am

As Karousme said, much better to go it alone.

It is my experience that going to a wedding with the quasi-dating girl is an awkward moment waiting to happen.

"So how long have you two been together?"

Are we a couple? I don't know, what should I say... this silence is getting worse... Does SHE think we are a couple, and if I say we aren't do I blow it? But if I say we are and she doesn't think so I will look possessive? I mean, I might want to be a couple someday but that bridesmaid was smiling at me and I don't know what I should do about that. I mean, I did see a Creed CD at this girl's house. Man, I gotta say something because she is just looking at me and I KNOW she is waiting to see what I say to judge where I think this is all going.... SAY SOMETHING, this silence is killing us all!!! )

"I like peas"

Basically, all the awkwardness John talked while wearing nice clothes.

Much better to go with a friend so relationship ending things aren't an option. That way, you have somebody to dance and make fun of all the people you don't know with.

[/ 2 cents]

Betty Felon · Post by **Betty Felon** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:06 am

Am I too late to chime in?

I wanna say that I dont think this is something you did wrong, Lovesicky. I think a co-worker/casual friend's wedding is a perfectly acceptable date and that there's nothing serious about it. It's like inviting her to an extragavagent party. It not like shes meeting any of your crazy family.

And honestly, it doesn't matter if you stammered or overexplained or whatever. If the girl likes you, being awkward and nervous is cute and flattering. I can not think of a time when I liked a guy and the delivery of a date invitation was a dealbreaker. If it is, then there never was a deal in the first place.

So I think she's being a weirdo and you are right to be baffled. Be careful about giving your heart to someone who doesn't want to do the hokey pokey with you.

LoveSickJerk · Post by **LoveSickJerk** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:23 am

Never too late Betty!

In fact, yours and Fi's chimes are basically what my sister told me when I talked her ear off about it yesterday. Ahh sisters, where would I be without her?

Aj, I'm starting to agree...blech.

dchris · Post by **dchris** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:00 am

Betty Felon wrote:And honestly, it doesn't matter if you stammered or overexplained or whatever. If the girl likes you, being awkward and nervous is cute and flattering.

yes yes yes. x 100.

dchris · Post by **dchris** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:01 am

double post.